I had a wonderful time at St. Luke's Hospital (Maumee, Ohio) last Friday speaking at their "Wear Red" events. My breakfast keynote topic was Avoiding the Gender Fender Benders. I've recently been reading an excellent book that my husband Jim suggested by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs on "Cracking the Communication Code (2007)." Many women appreciated the new insights. So, since it's Valentine's Day this weekend, I'm going to share these findings in the hopes that it will help you with your significant other. Most of us know that the key to motivating another person is meeting his/her deepest need.
The primary drive and deepest value for men is unconditional respect. In a national study of 400 hundred men, 74% said that they would prefer to be alone and unloved in the world over being disrespected and feeling inadequate. Men perceive criticism as contempt and 81.5% feel disrespected when in conflict with their wife. So, 85% of men stonewall (i.e. go to their cave) their wife during conflict in an attempt to calm himself down so he doesn't overreact. He sees it as the honorable and respectable thing to do while his wife thinks he's rejecting her.
The primary drive and deepest value for women is unconditional love. They verbalize with other women to resolve a conflict, which leads to reconciliation - the opposite of what men do. Women are natural teachers/instructors particularly if they are mothers since that is a key job of mothers. They quickly slip into becoming teachers/critics of their husbands without realizing it. Their motive is pure but their tactic is wounding their man at his core. Wives want their husbands to be close, to open up, to talk, and most importantly to listen to her and not try to "fix" her. She wants him to love and cherish her.
Another interesting difference is that men communicate by sharing experiences or activities by just sitting with each other side-by-side. Women share experiences by talking about them to each other sitting face-to-face. Men often feel like their wife loves them but doesn't like them. A wife often doesn't understand that doing nothing but just sitting with them will mean the world to them.
A Couple of Practical Suggestions:
How to Show Him Unconditional Respect:
1. Tell him what you appreciate and admire about him.
2. Stop instructing/correcting (mothering) him.
3. Just sit with him while he does something.
How to Show Her Unconditional Love:
1. Set aside time to talk to her face-to-face.
2. Just listen to her problems and don't try to "fix" her or what is wrong.
3. Treasure and esteem your wife by thanking her for what you appreciate.
Have a lovely Valentine's Day Weekend with your loved ones!
Leave a comment